I took a couple days off to catch up on sleep. I was exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. And it showed. A tired face, stringy hair. My mind has been resilient, and rest has helped keep me positive and strong. Today is a good day; new hair, make up on, new clothes, and Rihanna- she’s my girl power soundtrack.
So time to speak some truths, cause that’s what this blog is all about; healing through finding my truths, and being honest with myself. In my personal journaling I began this process last night. Honestly its still easier for me to speak my truths to myself rather than share them here, but I made some choices that I think are worth sharing. We’ve talked about choices before, about the responsibility you have in your own pain. I came across this post from Iyanla Vanzant who reminded me that I didn’t have to feel devastated, hopeless or alone, that I could make a choice and I could set myself free from the pain.
We tend to respond to situations automatically, in a way that is expected be it by society, or an inherent way of our being. If you are wronged, the “normal” response is anger, sadness, hyping yourself up with friends over a shared bottle of wine, talking about ‘what a dick he is’ and how ‘you deserve so much better’. But none of this is appealing to me anymore. And these weren’t the emotions that arose in the wake of not one, but two major heartbreaks in the last 6 months (yes both from the same relationship which has died a very long and slow death). No, instead I’ve experienced a calm amidst the sadness and fear, and I haven’t found it helpful to put him down or to talk badly about him. Now I realize that’s because I’ve made a choice.
I’ve chosen to have peace in my life, and in making such a choice there is no room for negativity. I will not hate him or revel in anger, and I will not condemn myself to wallow in self pity or sadness. The question for many is “How”? I think its as much a conscious decision as it is unconscious. I certainly was not expecting to feel calm, or to find understanding in such a tragic situation in a matter of days. But I have been on this journey, working to bring peace to my life, for a few months now. The lessons that I have only just begun to learn are proving their significance to me now.
The most difficult lesson for me personally is that of control. I’ve gone through my life trying to control situations or people; to ensure a particular outcome, to meet time sensitive life goals, always comparing myself to others along the way, thus naturally only being disappointed in myself. In my current situation, realizing that I have no control over him, or the future is incredibly liberating (once you accept that you are also scared shitless). Amidst the panic and desperation my initial thought was to jump on a plane, rush home and end this chaos; get my relationship back. It was a crazy thought, but I’m sure we’ve all been there. The point is, should I have made these decisions they would be my own, and there’s no guarantee that anything would have changed. We don’t live in a romantic comedy, my grand gesture would be crazy, not beautiful. Most importantly, it wouldn’t be what is right for me.
Another benefit of relinquishing control is that it allows you to live in the moment. I now understand that all I have is the present moment in which I find myself. I cannot change the past, and I can’t control the future, only right now exists and I want to be fully present in the present. I want to enjoy everything and everyone around me. Also, in terms of healing, taking it one moment at a time is way easier than thinking of what could happen months from now, or even further down the line. There is no “master plan” required for the present, and without a master plan, you don’t need back up plans. You find yourself much lighter, and less stressed out. Control is exhausting.
Second lesson; acceptance. I accept the current state of things because it is what is, and it is exactly as it should be. I am exactly where I should be because I made decisions that brought be here. I made the right decisions for me, and I can see now that there really was no other option. There was no other decision that I could make because of who I am (and I’m still learning who I am, I’ve only just begun really figuring this out, this is like a first lesson in knowing me). Who I am is someone who just can’t accept less, who can’t settle. No matter how much I wanted to get married and wanted a future with this person, I couldn’t sacrifice myself to make it happen, although I certainly came very close.
With acceptance comes understanding, and this helps with keeping negativity at bay. Thinking about things rather than reacting to them. Having an understanding of the situation or one’s actions and choices helps make sense of things. I find that having answers is far more helpful than not. Its that much harder to accept if you don’t understand. Although not every action has an explanation, and not every person is willing to explain.
All of these things are very scary, so the third lesson is in being honest with yourself about your fears. Yes, most of this sounds positive and empowering and it is, but it is also extremely terrifying. Knowing that all you have is you, your truth and this present moment can be distressing, but it can also be wonderful when you love and trust yourself.
(Fourth and fifth lessons; finding yourself, knowing yourself, loving yourself and forgiveness).