simple support

Yesterday I came home in all my feelings. All I wanted was quiet, and a moment to try and understand what I was feeling, and why. I knew I had to write. That’s my therapy process. Coming down the hall I could hear the music and loud chatter of video game speak already. I had expected this, but maybe I should’ve called ahead. As I walked in, my loving partner knew immediately that something was wrong. I headed straight for the shower, my usual routine, and hoped that I could escape to the bedroom to write unquestioned.

He came to check on me, asked what happened, what was wrong?! I explained that nothing happened, I just needed a quiet moment to myself. He checked again, as I was in the middle of my last post, tears streaming down my face. Now he was worried, but still I asked for some alone time.

Not long after, I emerged from the bedroom. Having finished my piece, I felt relieved, and calmed. As usual, the writing process put me in a completely different state. I’m still amazed by the conversations we can have together when a problem arises. He’s completely engaged, tries to relate his own experiences, tries to understand, and offers council of his own. And while it may take a few attempts for me to get across the intricacies of my emotions, his position is always to find a solution together.

In this case, his feeling is that the past is something to be acknowledged, but not to dwell on. It is what it is he says, and we can’t change it, we can only move forward. In this particular situation, I explained, in order to truly continue moving forward I need to give a little thought to some of the traumas of the past, as clearly they are surfacing for a reason. This was a point we came to agree upon.

Then came his wisdom, there’s no need to feel shame for decisions made, however poor they may have been, because at the time I was still very much a child, and I was taken advantage of. We all make choices, and we have to live with them, I certainly was a willing participant, but I shouldn’t feel guilt or shame. And to that end, where lost friendships are concerned, neither of us reached out to the other, and we each had our own reasons, so cherish the friendship for what it was at the time, but again, don’t dwell on the loss because it was lost for a reason.

The point of all of this, is the beauty of true partnership. It’s still new, the experience of a healthy relationship, it still takes some getting used to, but the example of support found in such a simple situation speaks volumes, and feels good to the soul.

Solo traveler

For the better part of my life travelling has been what I’m passionate about. Growing up in Winnipeg the “small city big town” left me feeling stifled, like I was missing out on so much. I believed things happen elsewhere, meaningful things, exciting things, important things… and I was just wasting what precious time I had in this pointless, mundane place.

My dream was Paris, everything was Paris, it was calling to me. I finally went when I was in my early 20s all on my own. At the time I was in a long term relationship, but I wasn’t about to share my dream with anyone, all I wanted to do was wander the streets by myself, sit at cafes in solitude… to me being alone meant freedom. Not having to compromise or plan or include anyone else’s feelings or ideas, complete freedom.

This is how I’ve continued through what I now realize to be my entire adult life. I’ve continued traveling this way for years and loving every moment of it, including the 1 whole year I lived in the south of Italy.

I love the non-tourist, laid back way of travelling, I love wandering, I love not planning anything, I love stopping for a drink and a bite to eat, leisurely taking in unknown sites along the way.

I used to enjoy my alone time so much I even liked the hours spent waiting around in airports. It never bothered me, I’d come up with a little routine; bathroom break, find food, nap, people watch… and the time would easily pass, but as I sit here now in the Halifax airport waiting for yet another flight to Paris, the time hasn’t flown by today.

Nearly 12 years and 2 relationships later, I’m finally in a place where I can visualize something I didn’t think was possible, so much so that I had decided I didn’t even want it anyways, someone sitting beside me, someone who’s shoulder I can rest my head on, someone who would make the time fly by with his humor.

I planned this trip when I first met him 1 year ago, in fact I was planning on moving to Italy all together, for the same reasons, choosing aloneness, choosing me. In an unexpected turn of events, I ended up moving across the country to the west coast, rather than across the Atlantic cause somewhere along the way I learned what it feels like when someone chooses you.

He chose me and I finally feel like I’ve got the freedom I was always seeking because I matter and I dont have to give up who I am to be with someone. I’ll never lose myself or my dreams again, because someone who chooses you prioritizes all of those things too.

As I wait to board this flight to Paris, I can actually see him sitting here with me, because I wish he was here, because I finally want to share my life and my experiences… and this all sounds so gross and lovey and roses, or whatever the saying is, but internally it’s very strange feeling things you’ve never felt. It’s scary to want someone to be there cause what if one day they’re not? I still have this idea that love is a weakness.

So here’s the perspective shift… maybe I’ve always craved being alone because the people I was with were never really with me. And the ideas I had about what it means to be free and to be an individual dont necessarily mean being alone.

Nostalgia

The word Nostalgia is Greek in origin; Greek nóst (os) a return home + -algi. 



Recently I returned home. However, for a nomad who has often struggled to define where exactly home is, the idea of returning home is not joyful, especially when one’s idea of home doesn’t exist anymore.

I stopped saying that I had to go home, I would say instead that I had to go back to Canada, or to Winnipeg, or to see my family and work a ton so I could return to Italy sooner rather than later. Here’s the thing, Italy isn’t home either, it’s a place where I found some happiness. Winnipeg never felt like home, I never felt like I belonged there, I always had a yearning for travel, and for what the world has to offer. Winnipeg was just too stifling, too small minded, too mundane. The simplicity of a routine mindless existence, simply to satisfy checking off the boxes of social expectations terrified me.images-3

Then I fell in love, and everything changed. When you have a family you find purpose, and the things that you thought were routine, repetitive, boring all become so meaningful. When you’re trying to make a home for yourself and the people you love, that becomes your greatest priority, so laundry, dishes, and grocery shopping become the point of your day and your week, and even your life. I was so in love that, to my own disbelief and surprise, I would have happily settled into a life in Winnipeg, complete with the repetitive daily routine. I wanted it. You may complain about it in the moment sure, but once its gone you miss it terribly.

I spent one year in Italy, and most of that time was spent mourning the loss of a future that I had hoped for, and dreamed of and planned for. Most of that time was spent sorting through pain and heartbreak and putting the pieces back together. I was determined to heal, to forgive, to find peace, and to grow as a person. Those were my goals and I’d have to say that after many months, I emerged successful. I found happiness and peace, I felt alive and in love with life, and I was falling in love with me too.

Little did I know what was waiting for me back “home”.

Time seems to stand still in your mind when you are not physically present in a place. You go on with your life, and people back home go on with theirs, but somehow this does not compute in your brain in terms of day to day life. And its the day to day stuff, the routine, that forms partnerships and is the basis of relationships. When you’re travelling time seems to fly by, or more so there isn’t really a concept of time at all. What you don’t realize is just how much things can change in your absence, that the people you left behind continued on in their lives, without you. As new relationships grow and develop, you fade into a distant memory, and the pain of loosing you is replaced by the joys of new love and a fresh start.

As my time in Italy drew to an end I was increasingly nervous and anxious about coming “home”. I said many times it was because I had nothing to come back too. I said the words over and over, but I didn’t seem to realize their implications. I knew I had no job, and that basically my life was packed away into a pile of boxes in my sisters garage, and various other places. I knew that I didn’t have an apartment to come back too, nor did I have a relationship to return to. Yet I only thought coming back here sucked because I was coming back to Winnipeg. It was the truth and depth of that word nothing that I had not anticipated.

Nostalgia is defined in the following ways;

pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again

a sentimental or wistful yearning for the happiness felt in a former place, time, or situation

a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one’s life, to one’s home or homeland, or to one’s family and friends; sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time

Everywhere I looked I saw us. I saw us in everything. I drove the same routes and streets that we used to, just out of habit. Past our old apartment building, and restaurants we enjoyed together. I felt like a ghost wandering through a graveyard of
memories, places that still exist, yet we don’t.nostalgia

So for a moment I thought I wanted it all back. Memories of us threatened to drown me completely, so for a moment I was overcome with guilt and regret… It was all my fault, I let you down, I took you for granted, I wasn’t there when you needed me, I didn’t support you enough…I still love you…I’m sorry. I came to realize fully the meaning of having nothing because you were my everything, my life was you, and now you’re living a new life. 

These are not at all empty words, in fact they carry a lot of weight, but somehow its dead weight. Those thoughts, those beliefs and feelings don’t change anything. And this is how nostalgia works. It paints everything in a rosy light, you remember a golden age, you ache for what has been lost, you loose touch with reality; what was and what is.

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Nostalgia is essentially more heartbreak. You remember happiness and love and good memories, even routines. You remember the life you shared and you long for it, you miss it and you regret every moment, every word said and decision made that led to loosing each other. Nostalgia is in fact the deepest most painful heartbreak.

What’s needed to survive nostalgia is a tough dose of reality, whatever you have to do to convince yourself of what is, and to remind yourself of all that happened in the time since it all fell apart. What’s needed is a perspective shift, to remember the lessons you learned and the growth you achieved. To know that the journey is not over yet, and will never be over, not if you want to achieve a relationship with your higher self. You need to recall the pieces of yourself that you found and left behind, and continue on your path to self love. Remembering your worth and what you deserve in life, and in a partner, helps to shatter the illusion that nostalgia bestows upon the past. 


 

                                                                                   “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” -Adele

Just the guitar. OK, cool.

This was all you, none of it me
images-1You put your hands on, on my body and told me
Mmm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I’d be your last love everlasting you and me
Mmm
That was what you told me

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

I was too strong, you were trembling
You couldn’t handle the hot heat rising (rising)
Mmm
Baby I’m still rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn’t keep up, you were falling down (down)
Mmm
Mmm there’s only one way down

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

If you’re ready, if you’re ready
If you’re ready, I’m ready
If you’re ready, if you’re ready
We both know we ain’t kids no more
No, we ain’t kids no more

I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more

If you’re ready, if you’re ready (send my love to your new lover)
If you’re ready, I’m ready (treat her better)
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
If you’re ready, if you’re ready (send my love to your new lover)
If you’re ready, I am ready (treat her better)
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts

We both know we ain’t kids no more.”
“Someone Like You” -Adele
I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded images-7
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, 
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

 

“You Deserve Better”

I’m tired of always hearing that I deserve better. If you love me then why not just be better, or do better? Why act poorly, or treat me badly and then say “you deserve better”. It’s like a going theme in my life.

Recognizing patterns is the first step in breaking them, in changing your decisions and therefor your outcomes as well. This is an impossibly difficult task. Fear of the unknown is overwhelming. But the more you think about it, isn’t it scarier to keep repeating the same situation over and over? Isn’t this a type of psychosis?

And what about when you are able to clearly identify a pattern, but lack the courage to venture forth into the unknown. Slowly you regress, leave your lessons behind you, make excuses for how you’ve been treated, and take comfort in the habitual. You want to curl up in all that you have known, wrap yourself in memories tinted in a golden light and forget the darkness which surrounds them.

The key to breaking through to the other side, or rather breaking free of unhealthy relationship patterns seems to be in loving yourself and then having courage. Only you can fight for you. Yes it’s incredibly sad, and rather disappointing, realizing that your whole life all you’ve wanted is for someone to fight for you, yet all you’ve ever done is stand alone and fight for yourself. So you must love yourself enough to fight for you.

The thing about these unhealthy psychosis which we develop is that they start in our childhood. If we truly want to heal, recognize and change our patterns we have to look at our childhood and examine the relationships that were modeled before us. Sadly, some of us grow up in unhealthy family situations, and by no fault of our own we learn unhealthy relationship patterns, they are ingrained in us. I learned to be accepting of minimal effort where love is concerned, to believe in words rather than actions, to believe that you should stay committed and make the effort and never give up on someone who you believe in or who you see the good in (which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing), to believe that if someone says they love you then they must, even if they rarely show it. In someways, I suppose I grew up to believe in nothing, to try to make something out of nothing, to see something where there is nothing.

I’ve been making strides, and falling backwards, back and forth, back and forth, for 9 months now. Every time I fall, its incredibly disappointing, I question everything, my sanity included. I have some pretty deep seeded fears which make my unhealthy patterns all the more welcoming. But now, slowly, I’m starting to develop a fear of the known, or rather I’m tired of it. I wonder what a healthy relationship is like, I’m curious and afraid all at once to discover normalcy, well what I would consider normal. I know, “normal” is not the best word, I suppose “different” from what I’ve known and experienced, “functional”, an equal partnership where each person grows, and the two grow together and are able to build a life together and realize dreams together.

The only way forward is with courage. Finding the courage to know oneself, the courage to face the unknown and all of the uncertainties, the courage to face all of the unanswered questions, the courage to move forward ALONE. The courage to face, and accept that you are in fact alone, and to decide that you would rather be alone than repeat unhealthy patterns, because that decision is ultimately a gift to yourself, a chance at finding something truly beautiful, and meaningful, something you are deserving of. And so you see why you must love yourself? Because if you do not then you have no reason to face these fears, and nothing to fight for.

I suppose I should be thankful to every single person who I’ve given my heart to, to those who were careless with me, to those who did something that warranted them saying to me “you deserve better”, because it’s finally sinking in, I DO deserve better, the best in fact. I deserve to have people in my life who will never have to tell me I deserve better, because they will always give me the best of themselves, the same I give of myself to others.

 

I guess I watch too many Chick Flicks…

I’m frustrated.

It’s been months and I’m tired of all the lessons. The inspirational quotes and memes that were once significant and meaningful, now only contradict each other. Peace, forgiveness, loving yourself, acceptance…all beautiful notions in theory and much harder to accomplish in reality.

I’m supposed to sit quiet and listen to myself, get to know ME and love myself and then I will know what it is I truly want and the Universe will deliver. But I have no clue, and the only thing I seem to think I want is driving me crazy. You’re supposed to let go of things; people, pain, situations…you’re supposed to find peace,acceptance, forgiveness and let them go, leave them in the past. Don’t go chasing after what has left you; learn, grow, and move on.

I’m my own worst enemy. My overthinking, this nagging in my brain. I’m giving myself a headache, and  I’m going insane. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know the whole story, and I chose to believe there is more to it. I know there is. You’re supposed to trust your gut, but I have a hard time believing I’m not delusional when it comes to this.

I’m a hopeless romantic I suppose. I find beauty in tragedy and desperately want to believe that someone could love me so profoundly that all the mistakes and pains of the past become insignificant. That all it would take is one look and everything else would fall away because we would know that we never want to be apart again, that nothing else matters; no matter what life has in store for us, no matter what we’ve put each other through.

I guess I watch too many chick flicks…

I believe in courage and honesty and strength… Maybe that’s what’s so tiring and frustrating and really so sad; always being the one who believes in another and then fights against all odds to be with them. Maybe that’s what I truly want, for someone to love me as deeply as I love them and to fight for me with the same belief and passion that I fight with.

What are you supposed to do when the idea of YOU being enough isn’t enough for you?

Do I not love my self enough? Am I not at peace, have I not learned enough lessons, have I not made strides??  You know, not every person who has found someone to share their life with is in perfect harmony with themselves. In fact most people choose to loose themselves in another rather than face their own shit.

I do love myself, and I am increasingly aware of my self worth and what I want and what I deserve. And because of this I know I would rather be alone than settle for anything less than the lame chick flick moment, you know at the end of the movie where he says something profound and life changing and she has tears streaming down her face and decides to stay rather than get on the train or plane or in the cab, and everyone claps cause there’s always an audience for some odd reason…

how to lose a guy

 

 

 

The “Bad Guy” vs “Good Girl” Narrative

Why is it so often that the story at the end of a relationship becomes one of right and wrong? Who fought the hardest, made the bigger effort, who screwed up, who was the good one and who was the bad one??

Every relationship in our lives is significant in some way, perhaps that’s where the term ‘significant other’ comes from? When a serious, or long term relationship ends, some people find it helpful to find meaning, an understanding or an explanation. And often times that is all very hard to come by when one is left with a broken heart. But for some there is no choice but to examine every feeling, every word said, every memory, and every event in the hopes of healing, or at the very least learning a lesson.

While I can’t help but go over every little detail in my mind repeatedly,  I am trying to refocus the heartache on a more positive subject; the opportunity to learn about myself. In doing so I am finding that things are not always so black and white, its not always a situation of the “bad guy” versus the “good girl”.

This was, and always has been the narrative of my relationships; where I am saint-like and my partner was so lucky to have me, and a horrible person for ever hurting me, or for making mistakes, and ultimately for loosing me. This was a narrative that I’ve always bought into (without realizing it). It could even be argued that I chose my partners based on this narrative.

As I examine the significant relationships of my life, I’m finding there is a very apparent re-occurring pattern; choosing someone who is not my equal. Be it emotionally, intellectually, or any other form of measure, I have always been the stronger one, the fearless one. This comes down to my own deep rooted issues (obviously I haven’t been doing this on purpose!), and there’s a variety of psychological reasoning behind it all, however for the purpose of this post, what is important is the idea that we can’t fault someone for not being the person we hoped they would be for us, if we unconsciously specifically, chose them for being lesser than us in some (or many) way(s).

Is it really so wrong to consider that each person contributed some pain, that each person made mistakes, that each person let the other down in some way, at some point? Considering your own faults, is that not taking responsibility for your own pain? Its not to dispel all the good that you did do, or the effort that you made, but why must we dispel the good, and the effort of another simply because they hurt us “more”? Sure, taking this route might cause you some guilt, or even worse, regret, but is this not significant to knowing your truth, to self discovery, and ultimately to healing? What if we considered  that each person did the best they could with what they knew at the time?

If you are able to look beyond the sadness, anger, or pain and are willing to consider things on a deeper level, you are granting yourself the greatest gift; an opportunity to learn about  your own issues, an opportunity to grow and ultimately break the unhealthy patterns of the past. Giving up the “Bad Guy vs Good Girl” narrative grants you freedom from the negativity which threatens to consume us when things end badly, and offers us the opportunity to forgive.

First lessons in finding Peace

I took a couple days off to catch up on sleep. I was exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. And it showed. A tired face, stringy hair. My mind has been resilient, and rest has helped keep me positive and strong. Today is a good day; new hair, make up on, new clothes, and Rihanna- she’s my girl power soundtrack.

So time to speak some truths, cause that’s what this blog is all about; healing through finding my truths, and being honest with myself. In my personal journaling I began this process last night. Honestly its still easier for me to speak my truths to myself rather than share them here, but I made some choices that I think are worth sharing. We’ve talked about choices before, about the responsibility you have in your own pain. I came across this post from Iyanla Vanzant who reminded me that I didn’t have to feel devastated, hopeless or alone, that I could make a choice and I could set myself free from the pain.

We tend to respond to situations automatically, in a way that is expected be it by society, or an inherent way of our being. If you are wronged, the “normal” response is anger, sadness, hyping yourself up with friends over a shared bottle of wine, talking about ‘what a dick he is’ and how ‘you deserve so much better’. But none of this is appealing to me anymore. And these weren’t the emotions that arose in the wake of not one, but two major heartbreaks in the last 6 months (yes both from the same relationship which has died a very long and slow death). No, instead I’ve experienced a calm amidst the sadness and fear, and I haven’t found it helpful to put him down or to talk badly about him. Now I realize that’s because I’ve made a choice.

I’ve chosen to have peace in my life, and in making such a choice there is no room for negativity. I will not hate him or revel in anger, and I will not condemn myself to wallow in self pity or sadness. The question for many is “How”? I think its as much a conscious decision as it is unconscious. I certainly was not expecting to feel calm, or to find understanding in such a tragic situation in a matter of days. But I have been on this journey, working to bring peace to my life, for a few months now. The lessons that I have only just begun to learn are proving their significance to me now.

The most difficult lesson for me personally is that of control. I’ve gone through my life trying to control situations or people; to ensure a particular outcome, to meet time sensitive life goals, always comparing myself to others along the way, thus naturally only being disappointed in myself. In my current situation, realizing that I have no control over him, or the future is incredibly liberating (once you accept that you are also scared shitless). Amidst the panic and desperation my initial thought was to jump on a plane, rush home and end this chaos; get my relationship back. It was a crazy thought, but I’m sure we’ve all been there. The point is, should I have made these decisions they would be my own, and there’s no guarantee that anything would have changed. We don’t live in a romantic comedy, my grand gesture would be crazy, not beautiful. Most importantly, it wouldn’t be what is right for me.

Another benefit of relinquishing control is that it allows you to live in the moment. I now understand that all I have is the present moment in which I find myself. I cannot change the past, and I can’t control the future, only right now exists and I want to be fully present in the present. I want to enjoy everything and everyone around me. Also, in terms of healing, taking it one moment at a time is way easier than thinking of what could happen months from now, or even further down the line. There is no “master plan” required for the present, and without a master plan, you don’t need back up plans. You find yourself much lighter, and less stressed out. Control is exhausting.

Second lesson; acceptance. I accept the current state of things because it is what is, and it is exactly as it should be. I am exactly where I should be because I made decisions that brought be here. I made the right decisions for me, and I can see now that there really was no other option. There was no other decision that I could make because of who I am (and I’m still learning who I am, I’ve only just begun really figuring this out, this is like a first lesson in knowing me). Who I am is someone who just can’t accept less, who can’t settle. No matter how much I wanted to get married and wanted a future with this person, I couldn’t sacrifice myself to make it happen, although I certainly came very close.

With acceptance comes understanding, and this helps with keeping negativity at bay.  Thinking about things rather than reacting to them. Having an understanding of the situation or one’s actions and choices helps make sense of things. I find that having answers is far more helpful than not. Its that much harder to accept if you don’t understand. Although not every action has an explanation, and not every person is willing to explain.

All of these things are very scary, so the third lesson is in being honest with yourself about your fears. Yes, most of this sounds positive and empowering and it is, but it is also extremely terrifying. Knowing that all you have is you, your truth and this present moment can be distressing, but it can also be wonderful when you love and trust yourself.

 

(Fourth and fifth lessons; finding yourself, knowing yourself, loving yourself and forgiveness).

I was going to call this “aloneness” but then…

I woke up today and felt an overwhelming sensation of “aloneness”. Different than loneliness in that my idea of loneliness is that you miss someone, not necessarily someone specific, but you have an idea of someone or something to miss.

Aloneness, this feeling that I woke up with is heavier. I can’t feel lonely for someone when that person doesn’t exist for me anymore. I can’t miss the idea of something that no longer exists.

Its different this time, waking up to find that he hasn’t read my messages. Before it might have been out of fear or guilt, putting off working through a difficult situation. Now, he simply doesn’t have to read them because he has no responsibility to me, no tie to me, no connection. It has all been severed.  26bff74947fad69b81cdc2e2cf2e7414

When I came to Italy 4 months ago all I desired was to be alone. My relationship had ended. I took the opportunity to finally travel, to embark upon an adventure I had always dreamt of; living in Europe. It was like the stars had aligned, yes this horrible thing had happened, but I managed to find a job and obtain a visa and a plane ticket. I left for myself, to do something for me, something that I had always wanted to do. I also left to heal.

But there was an unspoken truth behind my departure.

Having spent three years with someone whom I dreamed of having a future with; marriage, a family, a home, I was devastated when it all fell apart. Waking up one morning to find that this future that I believed was within grasp, had disappeared was shocking. People make mistakes, and mistakes are forgivable. Often times it can be for the best, an opportunity to grow. I wanted to forgive. I believed it was necessary for my own peace, but also for my relationship to have a new beginning. So I left home with hope in my heart. And I clung onto this hope fiercely in the months since I’ve been gone.

However, I was presenting this harrowing tale of a woman who had been wronged that set out into the world, on her own, taking her life into her own hands. Independence, power, freedom, strength; that was the story, supported by pictures of beautiful places and adventures being posted on social media.

(First lesson, don’t start a post in the middle of the day then come back to it in the evening. My mood, my perspective has completely shifted. Not sure where I was going with that, but it’s going to end up in a different place than what was originally intended, I can tell you that much!)

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The point is that I told a lie, the harrowing tale. The truth was that I was still in love and was holding onto hope. I was devastated once again when I got the news that just 4 months after me leaving for Europe, he has moved in with someone else. Now its time to let go for real. See you have a responsibility in your own pain; having boundaries and holding people to them, making choices about what you want or how you deserve to be treated, and above all being honest with yourself. I could choose to continue to cling on to this “hope”, but it is a false hope. The fact that I didn’t truly let go, when I said I had, left me open to the possibility of being hurt by this person again. And now, if I choose to remain in this situation, for one thing I’ll be alone in it as he has a new relationship, but also I would be condemning my happiness and well being to a tragic fate yet again.

 

You have to walk a fine line to love the way you want to love, which is a part of you you are, and not compromise yourself at the same time. Yes, relationships require compromise, but the very nature of the word implies a second party, it takes two. You can’t be the only one compromising. Having faith in someone, believing in someone, supporting the person you love, standing by your partner through hard times, but identifying the point at which all of your love, hope and belief is misplaced, that’s the tight rope and it is tricky as hell to maneuver because we are unbelievably good at lying to ourselves.

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A Valentines Tragedy

I was fearful that Valentines Day was going to be rough, I have 3 consecutive good Valentines experiences on record, previous to these happy memories I subscribed to the notion that Valentines was a capitalist holiday, and well I was just too cool to care about something so pathetic with all the flowers and chocolate and romance. Of course the truth was, as it is for many, that I was bitter and cynical because my heart was empty and my life had been void of these lovely experiences that so many other people, dare I say ‘normal’ people, enjoy.

Then it happened, I got the flowers, and chocolate and romance, for three years.

This year its all gone. I’m on the other side of the world, and just a few days ago I got a message informing me that he has moved in with someone, moved on…

(pursuing truth…I haven’t decided how much honesty is too much honesty for this blog, am I going to just put it all out there??)

Its devastating.

And now I have a choice to make, to let go for real, no false hope that things will work out. At this point any rational person would agree that its an impossible situation. I am a logical, rational person. Logically speaking I know that I have a responsibility in my own pain. Should I continue to believe in this false hope, I will only guarantee myself further pain. Unfortunately matters of the heart are not resolved by rational logical thinking. Thus a war is being waged between my heart and my head.

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Broken Pieces

I’m not entirely sure about the title of this site, “Pursuit of my Truth”, but I just can’t shake it, I mean that’s what I’m doing, that’s what this is all about; trying to figure shit out, my shit, trying to figure my shit out. Can I say ‘shit’ on my blog??

Since leaving Canada and embarking on this trip (I’ll talk more about the travel stuff later), I’ve been trying various techniques in an effort to discover my truth. Iyanla Vanzant did a series called broken pieces, where she talks about discovering your truths by identifying all of your broken pieces; all of the painful moments in your life, the negative feelings, disappointments and heartbreaks, that which you are ashamed of, or have buried so deep you don’t even know its there, identifying it all, and allowing yourself to feel the pain, to sit with it, accept it, and find peace. One broken piece at a time until you are whole again. I started on this process, through my personal journaling, a few months ago. I think I’ve only really worked through one broken piece in my life, so according to my count I have about 10 more to go, and I’m sure more will surface as I continue through the process, not to mention the current events in my life which keep breaking me into more pieces as I’m trying to put myself back together again.

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So where to begin? And where do I go from here?? The process of healing yourself, and of discovering who you are and what you want out of life is incredibly exhausting, long and difficult. This type of work requires motivation and courage and strength. And if you are in the middle of a storm, and it constantly feels like your insides are on the outside, swirling around you chaotically, and you are just a shell of your former self, where does the strength come from?

Fortunately for me it seems to be that I have an endless supply of strength. Having just been dealt the final blow, something I thought would shatter my existence if it should happen, happened, and instead of it being the end of everything, the end of me, I think it could be the beginning. But that is a choice in itself. I’m surprised I guess with what I’ve been feeling in the last few days; kinda sad in certain moments, kinda like something is missing from me; I feel  like instead of these big chunks of broken pieces from my past that Im working through, procrastinating working through rather, its as though little ashes are falling away from me, little pieces, like Im shedding a layer of skin and am about to emerge, or something? There’s a sadness yes, but there’s this strange and very subtle excitement as well. Maybe this is what they mean by “its as though a weight was lifted”, maybe this is the first taste of freedom, maybe this is what is feels like to loosen your your grip on false hope, to let it all go…finally to cry with a smile on your face, because yes you are sad, and fucked up and you will have to deal with it, but you are also free and full of hope, real hope.

So here’s a truth of mine; I know how to lie to myself, I know how to create my own storm because I don’t YET know how to break my patterns, but I am learning. I’m learning the lesson that you can not control others, but only can be responsible for your choices. I now know I will only ever choose to survive, because now I can see this is the choice I have always made. I have a responsibility in my own pain, but I also will always have a way through as long as I choose to keep moving forward, I simply don’t have it in me to settle.

Break my trust, Break my heart, try your damnedest cause you will never break me.

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